[ -- aha. the forgetful valley. it's starting to make sense, now. ikem had thought ursa was gone for good, and had escaped in order to cleanse himself of that pain. a new face, a new name, a new life -- zuko himself had been sorely tempted by such a prospect, though he hadn't gone to a spirit to do it.
it's an easy way to hide, with a new face and a new name -- but when he connects the rest of the story, zuko's brow furrows. noren had a wife, named -- what was her name? noriko? and they had a daughter, named kiyi. noren, who was the new man that the mother of faces had crafted, and noriko -- ]
... she asked the spirit to give her a new identity.
[ it's said in an exhale of understanding, and zuko lets that sink in for a moment. a new face, a new name, a new life. and she has a daughter -- he has a sister -- but something still doesn't make sense to him, and he blocks that away for a moment, carefully filing it away to ask questions later -- ]
But I'm the Fire Lord now -- that has to have spread all over the world, by then, and in the colonies. She had to have known there was nothing left to be afraid of, why didn't she just come back --
[ because the palace isn't her home, zuko, hira'a obviously is. and he stops himself from finishing that sentence, starting over. ]
She could have come to the capital, I would have welcomed her and... her family.
[It hurts Sokka to watch, for the realisation to sink in. He feels like a heel. Giving Zuko that faint glimmer of hope, and now he has to crush it. Horribly. ]
It doesn't end there. This is the part you're not gonna like. Please don't set fire to my room. Or me.
[He's not joking, it's an honest request. This could get...bad. ]
Your mom didn't just ask for a new identity. The spirit took away her memories too. She- your mom asked for the spirit to do that, because living a new life, knowing about you and Azula, would have destroyed her.
[He's not excusing it, he can never excuse it, it's terrible. He exhales. ]
So she forgot about you both. About her life in the palace. Everything.
[ zuko is on the verge of telling sokka to shut up, because he's not going to set anything on fire -- but then a sudden cold feeling washes over him, and zuko stares at sokka in disbelief.
his first instinct is to say that that's impossible. there is absolutely no way that ursa, his biggest protector (and arguably his only protector, before he had been exiled), would willingly forget her children. she wouldn't forget zuko and azula, under any pain or penalty. they were her children, and surely ursa didn't hate living in the palace so much to forget them in addition to ozai.
but then the wheels keep turning. the news of zuko's exile had spread all over the world. there isn't a single soul in the nations that doesn't know who he is, or what happened to him. if ursa had remembered, surely she would have come to find him. surely she would have intercepted him and taken him with her. but it had been radio silence. his mother hadn't come back, probably because his mother didn't know she needed to.
queen ursa wasn't just banished, she exiled herself, in every way possible, and left them both with ozai.
was she happier, that way? with her new daughter, and new life, in a quiet town away from all of that? surely she was. he shouldn't feel angry, or betrayed, or furious, or let down -- if ursa was happy, and that was the life that his mother had chosen for herself, then surely that was what zuko needed to accept, but -- ]
When did she decide to do this.
[ it's said quietly, and while zuko is trying his best to keep his tone level, there's a tiny tremble in his words. ]
[Sokka watches, worried. Not for himself, not for anything being set on fire, but for Zuko himself. He knows this is impossibly hard. Knowing someone he had so much hope for, who he had wanted so desperately to find could do this to him. One member of his family besides Iroh who wasn't a complete sociopath. Who loved him. ]
Before. She thought you were both safe. It doesn't excuse it...but she did.
[He pauses, looking Zuko over. ]
Do you want a minute before I carry on. It doesn't end there. I know it's a lot to deal with, though.
She thought we were safe? Azula is insane, and I --
[ it's said suddenly, incredulously, and he's about to launch into a furious diatribe of well, that worked out great when sokka asks if he needs time, and he draws in a shuddered breath before letting it out slowly. no smoke, no steam. he isn't about to set sokka's room on fire.
safe. living with ozai, safe. when he was looking for any reason at all to get rid of zuko, and used speaking out of turn at a meeting to do it. and the idea of azula ever being safe was a joke, the girl was a danger to herself, let alone other people -- and none of that is ursa's fault, ozai is the enemy here, but she was supposed to protect them, and instead zuko is the one that's had to try and pull it all together.
his friends gave enough of a damn to help zuko find his mother, but ursa had taken the easy path. and he can't be angry with her, but she had -- the easy path, while the rest of them took the hard, but correct one.
he draws in another breath, and he shakes his head, curling his fingers against his sides. ]
[He's still worried, it's in his tone. He prides himself on keeping his friends safe, on trying to keep them from getting hurt. But this is a sort of hurt he can't prevent. He just needs to make sure he can pick up the pieces later. ]
Azula heard about that and went darting off to their house. You and me, we followed her. We beat her to it, so you went inside to talk to them while I stuck around outside for when Azula finally found her way there. You asked your mom if she was happy...and she said yes. You were gonna leave, but Noren stopped you, told her to tell her who you really are. Ikem backed her up.
[He rubs the back of his neck, wincing. ]
I- don't know where it came from, you and Aang were off having secret talks so I guess it was from there, and it was kinda muffled from outside. But you seemed to think Ikem was your father. Like...your real father. You sounded so happy, more than you'd been since...ever. You were ready to give it all up, just go live in that house with your family. Ikem was gonna say something but then Azula showed up and lightning punched me through the roof.
[ ... azula. zuko frequently doesn't know how to feel about his sister, but for the time being, his heart sinks. if anyone else would take the news even worse than he would, it would be azula. if anyone needed ursa, it was azula.
zuko is about to ask what happened with azula when sokka keeps going, and again, a cold feeling washes over him. ozai isn't his father? did ozai know that? is that why ozai hated him? zuko had been willing to give it all up, after -- after the war, and everything, to --
-- azula did what -- ]
Wait. Stop -- stop.
[ zuko holds up his hands, drawing in another breath. ]
I'm... Ozai is my father. [ through gritted teeth, because as badly as zuko wishes every single day for that not to be true, it is, and he can't shy away from it. ] That's not... possible, and if I ... this person doesn't even know me, let alone...
[ he stops again before his brain catches up to what he's saying, and he looks up at sokka, suddenly concerned ]
Are you alright?
[ as someone who has been on the receiving end of azula's lightning, it is not a fun time. ]
Well, I'm not dead. I was fine, Zuko. It's not like I haven't fought your sister before.
[It's not what;s important, anyway. ]
She uh...was pretty hacked off with everything, was about to attack your mom. [Okay, he allows himself a little smile here. ] But like usual, she underestimated me and got a boomerang in the back of the head. It gave us time to get Ikem and Kiyi out.
Azula went to attack your mom, and you fought her. I...don't know what was said, there was a lot of lightning and fire and shouting. Azula said something about helping you both be free? Then there was more fire, you saying something about the throne being your destiny? Then it just...stopped. Azula ran out, and vanished into the night. She's been missing ever since.
[ of course there was a fight. there's always a damn fight. zuko and azula can't have a conversation about their family without it ending in bloodshed. there's always a fight, there's always a fight, and it never really ends. even when he's this close to finding his family, it falls apart, because why can't it be that easy?
ursa deliberately forgot them, left them with ozai, and had a new family. a new daughter, who is royalty even if she doesn't realize it. a whole new branch of his family that he didn't even know about, and they're not at fault here, but... the thought that he would give up everything to be with a group of people that he doesn't even know -- a woman who deliberately forgot him, and his sister, because of what? fear? hatred? anger?
she had been happy, but that didn't save zuko from exile, and that didn't save azula from insanity.
ursa is alive, and married, and has a family, and still... loves zuko and azula, probably? he thought he'd be relieved to know what happened to his mother, have some closure, but somehow, his family is even more fractured, and it makes ensuring azula stays the way she is in the fleet even more important.
there's a silence, and zuko draws in another breath, letting it out slowly. ]
Azula is by herself in a forest with a spirit that can erase memories and change faces.
[ it's said quietly, carefully uncurling his fingers from his sides.
he can't think about anything else, right now. focusing his attention on azula is better than focusing on ursa, or his father, or literally anything else. ]
I should have never let her leave the palace, or thought she could have handled that.
[ if azula is killed, or kills someone else, that blood is on his hands. but as he considers that, further, he draws in another shuddered breath, letting it out as evenly as he can. ozai. this all leads back to ozai, and there's a sudden stroke of understanding, a new layer to the puzzle. his father told azula where to go just to get at him. ozai didn't care whether or not what azula and zuko found wasn't happy, or how it would affect azula. now she's gone, and who knows whether or not zuko was going to be able to find her again, and if zuko told him that his daughter was missing, ozai wouldn't care.
but, honestly, after forgetting her children for so long, would ursa be motivated to find azula either.
ultimately, zuko is the one that has to pull his family together. because his parents aren't going to do it.
that weight settling into his chest seems to realize that he's still sitting in sokka's room, and zuko draws in another breath, to bring himself back to the present. focus. focus, focus. ]
... thank you, for telling me. You didn't have to, but you did.
[ his voice sounds carefully kept, but at least he's not having a public meltdown. ]
[It's that simple. It's Zuko's family, and he needs to be dealing with this with a better hand than he's usually given. Just for once in his life. ]
If it helps, she hacked off the spirit by being rude to it and continually destroying the balance of nature you know, like she does. Besides, it doesn't do the face thing very often. We don't have to worry about her looking like someone new.
[He considers then exhales. ]
But that's not the end. Aang and Katara brought the spirit to your mother. She asked for everything back, her old face, her old memories. She wanted to make up to you all that lost time. To make up for what she did.
[His tone is even. After knowing what happened to his own mother, that she willingly died to save Katara...the idea of a mother giving up everything, of turning her back on her children still doesn't sit well in his chest. But she wants a second chance, and Zuko is giving her one, so. ]
We had to head off then, Team Avatar business and all. But you stuck behind. Last I heard, you were taking your mom, her husband and your little sister back to the Fire Nation Capitol.
[ of course he did. of course he offered to bring them with him. to take care of them. because ursa, of all people, deserves that second chance.
but sokka is right -- that's still... years. years missing. years of zuko being exiled, of azula being alone with ozai -- azula losing her mind, zuko and azula nearly killing each other for the throne, ozai losing his firebending...
but it could be a new start. the new reign, a new nation. a new family. and the news of having another sister, a little sister, that warms his heart in a small way, but -- ]
... one little sister, anyway.
[ quietly, and zuko pushes himself up to stand, finally. he's not sure he can hear much more. ]
[Congrats Zuko you're related to someone other than Iroh who isn't toxic to you.
When he stands, Sokka steps forward, pulling him into a hug. Hugs aren't something he gives often, but this time, it's important. Zuko might be prickly about it, but he honestly doesn't care. After all that, the guy needs one if he thinks he does or not. ]
I'm sorry. I wish it could have been better for you.
[In that...and in every other aspect of his friend's life. He deserves far more happiness than he ever got. ]
[ zuko opens his mouth to ask a little more about her -- but then sokka hugs him, and says that, and zuko is immediately tense. not because of the lack of wanting a hug, but the same standard alarm bells in his head. letting people get too close to him, being touched without warning, the anxiety and warning --
but after a few seconds of internal warring inside his head, he relaxes slightly with a sigh, and while he doesn't really return the hug very tightly, he does just a little. ]
I thought my mother was dead, and she's not. It could be worse.
[ it's murmured. he's not really sure how he feels, yet. and he falls quiet again before drawing in a breath -- it goes without saying, but -- ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
alwayscomeback) wrote2014-10-29 09:00 pm
 "un/finished")
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cawaii
no subject
it's an easy way to hide, with a new face and a new name -- but when he connects the rest of the story, zuko's brow furrows. noren had a wife, named -- what was her name? noriko? and they had a daughter, named kiyi. noren, who was the new man that the mother of faces had crafted, and noriko -- ]
... she asked the spirit to give her a new identity.
[ it's said in an exhale of understanding, and zuko lets that sink in for a moment. a new face, a new name, a new life. and she has a daughter -- he has a sister -- but something still doesn't make sense to him, and he blocks that away for a moment, carefully filing it away to ask questions later -- ]
But I'm the Fire Lord now -- that has to have spread all over the world, by then, and in the colonies. She had to have known there was nothing left to be afraid of, why didn't she just come back --
[ because the palace isn't her home, zuko, hira'a obviously is. and he stops himself from finishing that sentence, starting over. ]
She could have come to the capital, I would have welcomed her and... her family.
[ is it his family, too? ]
no subject
It doesn't end there. This is the part you're not gonna like. Please don't set fire to my room. Or me.
[He's not joking, it's an honest request. This could get...bad. ]
Your mom didn't just ask for a new identity. The spirit took away her memories too. She- your mom asked for the spirit to do that, because living a new life, knowing about you and Azula, would have destroyed her.
[He's not excusing it, he can never excuse it, it's terrible. He exhales. ]
So she forgot about you both. About her life in the palace. Everything.
no subject
his first instinct is to say that that's impossible. there is absolutely no way that ursa, his biggest protector (and arguably his only protector, before he had been exiled), would willingly forget her children. she wouldn't forget zuko and azula, under any pain or penalty. they were her children, and surely ursa didn't hate living in the palace so much to forget them in addition to ozai.
but then the wheels keep turning. the news of zuko's exile had spread all over the world. there isn't a single soul in the nations that doesn't know who he is, or what happened to him. if ursa had remembered, surely she would have come to find him. surely she would have intercepted him and taken him with her. but it had been radio silence. his mother hadn't come back, probably because his mother didn't know she needed to.
queen ursa wasn't just banished, she exiled herself, in every way possible, and left them both with ozai.
was she happier, that way? with her new daughter, and new life, in a quiet town away from all of that? surely she was. he shouldn't feel angry, or betrayed, or furious, or let down -- if ursa was happy, and that was the life that his mother had chosen for herself, then surely that was what zuko needed to accept, but -- ]
When did she decide to do this.
[ it's said quietly, and while zuko is trying his best to keep his tone level, there's a tiny tremble in his words. ]
Was it before or after my father exiled me.
no subject
Before. She thought you were both safe. It doesn't excuse it...but she did.
[He pauses, looking Zuko over. ]
Do you want a minute before I carry on. It doesn't end there. I know it's a lot to deal with, though.
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[ it's said suddenly, incredulously, and he's about to launch into a furious diatribe of well, that worked out great when sokka asks if he needs time, and he draws in a shuddered breath before letting it out slowly. no smoke, no steam. he isn't about to set sokka's room on fire.
safe. living with ozai, safe. when he was looking for any reason at all to get rid of zuko, and used speaking out of turn at a meeting to do it. and the idea of azula ever being safe was a joke, the girl was a danger to herself, let alone other people -- and none of that is ursa's fault, ozai is the enemy here, but she was supposed to protect them, and instead zuko is the one that's had to try and pull it all together.
his friends gave enough of a damn to help zuko find his mother, but ursa had taken the easy path. and he can't be angry with her, but she had -- the easy path, while the rest of them took the hard, but correct one.
he draws in another breath, and he shakes his head, curling his fingers against his sides. ]
Keep going.
[ it's muttered.
he's endured worse. he can endure this. ]
no subject
[He's still worried, it's in his tone. He prides himself on keeping his friends safe, on trying to keep them from getting hurt. But this is a sort of hurt he can't prevent. He just needs to make sure he can pick up the pieces later. ]
Azula heard about that and went darting off to their house. You and me, we followed her. We beat her to it, so you went inside to talk to them while I stuck around outside for when Azula finally found her way there. You asked your mom if she was happy...and she said yes. You were gonna leave, but Noren stopped you, told her to tell her who you really are. Ikem backed her up.
[He rubs the back of his neck, wincing. ]
I- don't know where it came from, you and Aang were off having secret talks so I guess it was from there, and it was kinda muffled from outside. But you seemed to think Ikem was your father. Like...your real father. You sounded so happy, more than you'd been since...ever. You were ready to give it all up, just go live in that house with your family. Ikem was gonna say something but then Azula showed up and lightning punched me through the roof.
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zuko is about to ask what happened with azula when sokka keeps going, and again, a cold feeling washes over him. ozai isn't his father? did ozai know that? is that why ozai hated him? zuko had been willing to give it all up, after -- after the war, and everything, to --
-- azula did what -- ]
Wait. Stop -- stop.
[ zuko holds up his hands, drawing in another breath. ]
I'm... Ozai is my father. [ through gritted teeth, because as badly as zuko wishes every single day for that not to be true, it is, and he can't shy away from it. ] That's not... possible, and if I ... this person doesn't even know me, let alone...
[ he stops again before his brain catches up to what he's saying, and he looks up at sokka, suddenly concerned ]
Are you alright?
[ as someone who has been on the receiving end of azula's lightning, it is not a fun time. ]
no subject
Well, I'm not dead. I was fine, Zuko. It's not like I haven't fought your sister before.
[It's not what;s important, anyway. ]
She uh...was pretty hacked off with everything, was about to attack your mom. [Okay, he allows himself a little smile here. ] But like usual, she underestimated me and got a boomerang in the back of the head. It gave us time to get Ikem and Kiyi out.
Azula went to attack your mom, and you fought her. I...don't know what was said, there was a lot of lightning and fire and shouting. Azula said something about helping you both be free? Then there was more fire, you saying something about the throne being your destiny? Then it just...stopped. Azula ran out, and vanished into the night. She's been missing ever since.
no subject
ursa deliberately forgot them, left them with ozai, and had a new family. a new daughter, who is royalty even if she doesn't realize it. a whole new branch of his family that he didn't even know about, and they're not at fault here, but... the thought that he would give up everything to be with a group of people that he doesn't even know -- a woman who deliberately forgot him, and his sister, because of what? fear? hatred? anger?
she had been happy, but that didn't save zuko from exile, and that didn't save azula from insanity.
ursa is alive, and married, and has a family, and still... loves zuko and azula, probably? he thought he'd be relieved to know what happened to his mother, have some closure, but somehow, his family is even more fractured, and it makes ensuring azula stays the way she is in the fleet even more important.
there's a silence, and zuko draws in another breath, letting it out slowly. ]
Azula is by herself in a forest with a spirit that can erase memories and change faces.
[ it's said quietly, carefully uncurling his fingers from his sides.
he can't think about anything else, right now. focusing his attention on azula is better than focusing on ursa, or his father, or literally anything else. ]
I should have never let her leave the palace, or thought she could have handled that.
[ if azula is killed, or kills someone else, that blood is on his hands. but as he considers that, further, he draws in another shuddered breath, letting it out as evenly as he can. ozai. this all leads back to ozai, and there's a sudden stroke of understanding, a new layer to the puzzle. his father told azula where to go just to get at him. ozai didn't care whether or not what azula and zuko found wasn't happy, or how it would affect azula. now she's gone, and who knows whether or not zuko was going to be able to find her again, and if zuko told him that his daughter was missing, ozai wouldn't care.
but, honestly, after forgetting her children for so long, would ursa be motivated to find azula either.
ultimately, zuko is the one that has to pull his family together. because his parents aren't going to do it.
that weight settling into his chest seems to realize that he's still sitting in sokka's room, and zuko draws in another breath, to bring himself back to the present. focus. focus, focus. ]
... thank you, for telling me. You didn't have to, but you did.
[ his voice sounds carefully kept, but at least he's not having a public meltdown. ]
I don't know if I could've.
no subject
[It's that simple. It's Zuko's family, and he needs to be dealing with this with a better hand than he's usually given. Just for once in his life. ]
If it helps, she hacked off the spirit by being rude to it and continually destroying the balance of nature you know, like she does. Besides, it doesn't do the face thing very often. We don't have to worry about her looking like someone new.
[He considers then exhales. ]
But that's not the end. Aang and Katara brought the spirit to your mother. She asked for everything back, her old face, her old memories. She wanted to make up to you all that lost time. To make up for what she did.
[His tone is even. After knowing what happened to his own mother, that she willingly died to save Katara...the idea of a mother giving up everything, of turning her back on her children still doesn't sit well in his chest. But she wants a second chance, and Zuko is giving her one, so. ]
We had to head off then, Team Avatar business and all. But you stuck behind. Last I heard, you were taking your mom, her husband and your little sister back to the Fire Nation Capitol.
no subject
but sokka is right -- that's still... years. years missing. years of zuko being exiled, of azula being alone with ozai -- azula losing her mind, zuko and azula nearly killing each other for the throne, ozai losing his firebending...
but it could be a new start. the new reign, a new nation. a new family. and the news of having another sister, a little sister, that warms his heart in a small way, but -- ]
... one little sister, anyway.
[ quietly, and zuko pushes himself up to stand, finally. he's not sure he can hear much more. ]
no subject
[Congrats Zuko you're related to someone other than Iroh who isn't toxic to you.
When he stands, Sokka steps forward, pulling him into a hug. Hugs aren't something he gives often, but this time, it's important. Zuko might be prickly about it, but he honestly doesn't care. After all that, the guy needs one if he thinks he does or not. ]
I'm sorry. I wish it could have been better for you.
[In that...and in every other aspect of his friend's life. He deserves far more happiness than he ever got. ]
no subject
but after a few seconds of internal warring inside his head, he relaxes slightly with a sigh, and while he doesn't really return the hug very tightly, he does just a little. ]
I thought my mother was dead, and she's not. It could be worse.
[ it's murmured. he's not really sure how he feels, yet. and he falls quiet again before drawing in a breath -- it goes without saying, but -- ]
Azula can't know.
no subject
It could. And at least you can start something new with her. It won't be easy, but I'm sure you guys will work something out.
[Wow, no, absolutely not no. ]
Given how she reacted in general to what whole thing? Yeah, no. Never, ever.
no subject
[ a quiet sigh to both comments. ]
-- I'd appreciate it, too, if no one else knew.
[ zuko doesn't really want his business spread all over the blue fish, and he definitely doesn't want to be pitied. ]
I can tell Katara in my own time.
no subject
[He gives a nod, oy, Katara, rather Zuko than him on that one, honestly. ]
I'll try and make sure there's no loose water sloshing about when you do.
[In case she, you know, flips out and freezes half the ship. ]
no subject
it's a real danger, okay. ]
no subject
Good luck, buddy!